Last week I made a crummy box. I invented it, :-). It's an old flower pot-esque thing that I strung with ribbons to hang from my spice shelf in my kitchen. Purpose: When anyone here is feeling crummy for whatever reason, write down what you're feeling crummy about, what feeling you're "giving away" and put the paper in the crummy box. When box is full, we'll shred the papers and put 'em in our compost box. Goal: turn crummy feelings into something positive by giving them away. It's been helpful for me, although not needed as much over the last week or so, which is GREAT!
I also have been working very hard on my tree. As I do more painting on it, I like it less and less. I almost think the chalk drawing was cooler, but we'll see what the finished product is like. Regardless, it's a nice zen in the evenings. I do my picking up/cleaning up, put on some music, set the lights a little low, and paint. A.W.E.S.O.M.E.
Spending more time thinking about this home school thing and putting more energy into recognizing when we are "unschooling" as it is. We do a lot of it already. No wonder he's smarter than everyone in his class. I'm so nervous of it, though. I LOVE being home with my kiddos, LOVE LOVE LOVE it! But, I have to admit I'm nervous of saying, "okay, I won't work for a certain amount of years, because I'll be home/un schooling my kids." That's a LOT of me to give away. I like the idea of working in the future again. Of going somewhere and being "productive" and bringing home some cash. But, when I just put it that way, I don't really have any feelings tied to it, as they didn't arise. So, maybe it's just the fear that I'll miss it later on. I suppose if/when that time comes along I can work something out. Still preparing for our dive into it this summer...
I've been feeling so so much better lately and that's just great. I took a bold leap and erased all my household chores from my daily calendar. I then put in my reminders to do what is GOOD for me, 4 times per week. Sat, Mon, Wed, Thu I do my chakra(really!! the spell check on this doesn't recognize chakra!!! crazy...) opening meditation, cutting of negative cords, and finally my gratitude/intention setting. The deal is, I usually attend my local intenders circle on Sunday evenings, so more often than not I'll be doing these things 5 times per week. Excellent! It has really helped. I've not had any panic attacks since I started and I've been generally less moody. Whew! Again, a large thanks goes to Michelle Hill for reminding me what I needed to do and a pat on the back goes to myself for deciding those things are more important for me to focus on that chores. Messy house, Happy Mom > Clean house, Neurotic Mom!
We're replacing our windows, since they're almost as old as my Dad. It's frightening to sign over $3000 at one time, but it's so good, too. I look forward to feeling better about our energy use next winter! Also, they're made locally (woohoo!) and we, of course, went with a local contractor for (we're assuming) a few hundred dollars more than one of the big companies. But, we feel really good about this as we chose a father/son operation and the son is now in charge cause Daddy's 7/8 retired. They've been doing it for 20-something years and that's a part of America I support. Real people, doing real work. Amen! I can't change NAFTA, but I can control who I do business with. Small steps...
Jon got the promotion!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So happy for him and so proud of him. He's such a great leader, teacher, speaker, manager... He'll do such a wonderful job. He starts on Tuesday. His new shift pretty much stinks, but so did this one, so... It's fair. I decided to not have the family take the raise. Jon gets the raise. He's been wanting to build a computer for a while, but it's an expensive endeavor. So, he gets 100% of his raise all to himself and after 7-8 months or so he will have the funds to build his computer. At that point, I'm hoping to hijack that raise and start saving for our RV. xx fingers crossed! Regardless, he's been pushing for this promotion for nearly 2 years and I really feel I can't state enough how happy I am for him. His managers had pretty well no "opportunities" to share with him about his interview and told him that when people are having a hard time interviewing in the future, they'll be sending them to him for mentoring. It was a fun and happy moment of promotion. He was so nice to me and called me on his cell and put it on speaker in his pocket for the "decision meeting" and I put mine on mute, so I wouldn't be heard. I appreciated I got to experience it with him and was thrilled when his supervisor said, "Congratulations... if you want it" I yelled, jumped, laughed, and got a little teary. What can I say, I'm an emotional woman...
Big week it has been. I've been very happy. Grateful to God for that and for all things I am pointed to to help me out in my times of turmoil. Giving up sugar for now and leaning on God for that as well. But, I'll elaborate on that next time.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
On the mend??
Sometimes it takes a while to really dig out of a rut. The other night, after I posted though, I emailed a friend who I wish I was better friends with, actually. I told her I'm having a hard time. A REALLY hard time. She's good with that kind of stuff. She knows the right thing to say and when to say it and since she thinks on the same energetic wavelength as I do, it hits the spot like a glass of ice water on July8th. :-) That night, I followed her little bit of direction, I focused on opening my chakras since clearly my heart was totally blocked, I did some of my workbook that I just got that day, and I went to bed. I've been practicing my work from the book, have remembered to cut cords (thanks Michelle, for the reminder!) a few days this week, and have focused on my chakras twice. All in all, I'm much better. Oh, I also deleted all my household chores that took up my calendar on my phone and have plans (okay, a good idea that I haven't gotten to yet) to put in reminders to do these things for myself a few times a week.
So...
Today, Jon had a super awesome interview at work. He's been trying to get this senior position at work for over a year and he's a GREAT rep. One of the top in the center. But, it seems each and every time an opening came up he never got to the interview due to some random point somewhere that kept him out of the running. Because there are so many people there, they have to narrow things down, obviously. So, the initial part of it all is applying, which gathers all sorts of numerical, computer-generated data about each applicant's performance. Any number of combinations of numbers gets you in the running and it seems as though every time something would change as far as rankings and the point system. All this time... And, he got it! He called me later in the day and told me his supervisor talked to the people in the interview (managers, supervisors, HR, etc, it's a BIG interview) and they told her he absolutely BLEW the competition OUT OF THE WATER! Which, I can't say I'm surprised. He's that kind of guy. Blows me out of the water, too. But, I digress... The last interview they have is Friday morning and so long as that person doesn't come in and impress them even more, it's pretty sealed that it's Jon's. I am SO.HAPPY.FOR.HIM! Jon's an achiever kind of guy. But, not in an arrogant or aggressive way. He's just so GOOD that he, I don't know... rubs off on people. I love it when good things happen to him. He deserves them all. I admire my husband, and I'm blessed to be able to say that.
I swept upstairs. That's my achievement, hahahaha! I also have made a kitchen apron this week, complete with removable, washable hand wipe areas. I'm pretty proud of that. I painted a few hours this week, on my big tree. I spent time at the library with Stori and a friend of ours. I picke dout a Star Wars book for Zane. I've sung a LOT. I've done my laundry. I've stayed mellow when things weren't going my way. I've taken care of myself as well as my family. I feel really good about that. Oh, and... yeah. I haven't cried since last week. EXCELLENT!
I'm big on prayer. Between my sailor mouth, my unwed child, history, and lack of Jesus I think it's easy for people to think I'm not hmm... umm... spiritual or religious or something. I LOVE myself some God. For real! Always have. Stems from childhood. I wasn't "raised" in church at all. In fact, I sought it out via friends because my family didn't participate and I wanted to. I think that was good for me. It gave me a place where I felt I actually mattered, as opposed to at home. I felt like people cared whether or not I was there. And, for the first time, a "cool" boy liked me, and it was at church! :-) Now, obviously, I've moved on from that and I find the whole Jesus/religion/rules thing to be silly and while I see the symbolism in it all and I see a purpose for it to reach out to "non-thinkers" I just... well... I'm a thinker. A BIG thinker. So, the lack of intellect and intuition with it all turns me off. But, I still live by the way of God, in my own interpretation. So, I pray. A lot. I pray when I'm grateful and I'm very specific about what I'm grateful for. Sometimes it's things I appreciate, sometimes it's feelings I appreciate, sometimes it's people and their influence I appreciate, sometimes it's that when I go outside I'm surrounded by the most amazing artwork ever (this list could go on and on.) So, tonight I'll finish with a "Thank you" for my feeling better, for giving me people to reach out to, for presenting this position to Jon at the right time, for him and us, for all things!!
So...
Today, Jon had a super awesome interview at work. He's been trying to get this senior position at work for over a year and he's a GREAT rep. One of the top in the center. But, it seems each and every time an opening came up he never got to the interview due to some random point somewhere that kept him out of the running. Because there are so many people there, they have to narrow things down, obviously. So, the initial part of it all is applying, which gathers all sorts of numerical, computer-generated data about each applicant's performance. Any number of combinations of numbers gets you in the running and it seems as though every time something would change as far as rankings and the point system. All this time... And, he got it! He called me later in the day and told me his supervisor talked to the people in the interview (managers, supervisors, HR, etc, it's a BIG interview) and they told her he absolutely BLEW the competition OUT OF THE WATER! Which, I can't say I'm surprised. He's that kind of guy. Blows me out of the water, too. But, I digress... The last interview they have is Friday morning and so long as that person doesn't come in and impress them even more, it's pretty sealed that it's Jon's. I am SO.HAPPY.FOR.HIM! Jon's an achiever kind of guy. But, not in an arrogant or aggressive way. He's just so GOOD that he, I don't know... rubs off on people. I love it when good things happen to him. He deserves them all. I admire my husband, and I'm blessed to be able to say that.
I swept upstairs. That's my achievement, hahahaha! I also have made a kitchen apron this week, complete with removable, washable hand wipe areas. I'm pretty proud of that. I painted a few hours this week, on my big tree. I spent time at the library with Stori and a friend of ours. I picke dout a Star Wars book for Zane. I've sung a LOT. I've done my laundry. I've stayed mellow when things weren't going my way. I've taken care of myself as well as my family. I feel really good about that. Oh, and... yeah. I haven't cried since last week. EXCELLENT!
I'm big on prayer. Between my sailor mouth, my unwed child, history, and lack of Jesus I think it's easy for people to think I'm not hmm... umm... spiritual or religious or something. I LOVE myself some God. For real! Always have. Stems from childhood. I wasn't "raised" in church at all. In fact, I sought it out via friends because my family didn't participate and I wanted to. I think that was good for me. It gave me a place where I felt I actually mattered, as opposed to at home. I felt like people cared whether or not I was there. And, for the first time, a "cool" boy liked me, and it was at church! :-) Now, obviously, I've moved on from that and I find the whole Jesus/religion/rules thing to be silly and while I see the symbolism in it all and I see a purpose for it to reach out to "non-thinkers" I just... well... I'm a thinker. A BIG thinker. So, the lack of intellect and intuition with it all turns me off. But, I still live by the way of God, in my own interpretation. So, I pray. A lot. I pray when I'm grateful and I'm very specific about what I'm grateful for. Sometimes it's things I appreciate, sometimes it's feelings I appreciate, sometimes it's people and their influence I appreciate, sometimes it's that when I go outside I'm surrounded by the most amazing artwork ever (this list could go on and on.) So, tonight I'll finish with a "Thank you" for my feeling better, for giving me people to reach out to, for presenting this position to Jon at the right time, for him and us, for all things!!
Friday, March 5, 2010
Very
Jon told me long ago that I'm very. "Very." And, I am. :-) Most of the time, that's a good thing. That means I'm very excited, I'm very passionate, I'm very supportive, I'm very creative, I'm very funny, I'm very witty, I'm very nurturing, I'm very understanding, I'm very all sorts of things. Unfortunately, it also means that at time, I'm very bummed. Still in the funk. Still finding my way out of it. I'm sure I will, but for the time being, it's excruciating.
I'm half-inspired by this time to be as genuine and as honest as possible. To show the world that depression is real and that it's hard. But, I'm equally scared of the judgment. If we were all a little more honest about our worst feelings, our worst thoughts, our biggest insecurities and fears, perhaps a portion of being in a depressed state wouldn't be there. That portion that says, "I'm fucked up, no good, unhappy, and most people aren't like this." And, while most people aren't on any given day, I think that a lot more people have experienced a real depression than admit it and talk about it. 'Cause we're all scared of being judged. Well, damnit. I'm depressed. And a lot lately I've thought, "sheesh, if I could just end it all, I'd be much better off." My kids wouldn't be better off though and I know that. Yet at my worst I tend to believe they might be better off if Jon found someone for himself that was as healthy and happy as he is and they could raise these two beautiful kids and watch them absolutely flourish, they wouldn't add despair to their lives and I ought to just leave. But, I know better, Firsthand. My Mom ditched out on me, big time. She didn't off herself, but she all but has offed herself from my life. And, it sucks as her (adult)child to know that me, my sister, my Dad... we weren't important enough for her to fix herself. For her to put in the honest, hard effort to get better and work toward a more positive life, we weren't enough. Why the hell not, Mom?
My kids won't say that. They'll know I've worked hard. I came from a life that most people read about in magazines or books about child neglect. I was never physically abused, my bless my sister's heart, she was. My Mom really laid into her before she left. I have vowed to not follow in their paths. And, it's been hard. H.A.R.D. and it still is. And, I'm going to keep on truckin' cause my beauties are worth it. And, while they will grow up and know their Mom has had some issues they'll also know how she never gave up on them, or herself. I'm glad to give them that.
What we see in others is usually a direct reflection of what is within us. Either that which we need to focus on to improve or which we need to focus on to grow. I've been thinking a LOT about Jon through this time, how he's so strong for me. He's so soft for me. He's so balanced. He's so well. He's so just...good. Clearly, that means there's strength, softness, balance, wellness, and well... good inside of me, too. God's just showing me a reflection of myself in him because he knows I'm having a hard time seeing it myself. Thanks to you there God for helping me out as usual. I really want to embody those parts of myself that I have before and I will again and I need to move on from trying to figure out "why" I got in this funk and just get the hell out of it. Cause, I'm wiped out. It's a lot of work feeling sad, lonely, guilty, not good enough, burdensome, suicidal, hopeless, and everything else I've been experiencing lately.
Have you felt this way? Often, occasionally, rarely? Were you afraid to talk about it? Afraid of being judged? Did you feel like you drained on those closest to you? Are you so very glad you don't feel like this currently? Are you so very bummed you DO feel like this currently? Are you out there?
I'm half-inspired by this time to be as genuine and as honest as possible. To show the world that depression is real and that it's hard. But, I'm equally scared of the judgment. If we were all a little more honest about our worst feelings, our worst thoughts, our biggest insecurities and fears, perhaps a portion of being in a depressed state wouldn't be there. That portion that says, "I'm fucked up, no good, unhappy, and most people aren't like this." And, while most people aren't on any given day, I think that a lot more people have experienced a real depression than admit it and talk about it. 'Cause we're all scared of being judged. Well, damnit. I'm depressed. And a lot lately I've thought, "sheesh, if I could just end it all, I'd be much better off." My kids wouldn't be better off though and I know that. Yet at my worst I tend to believe they might be better off if Jon found someone for himself that was as healthy and happy as he is and they could raise these two beautiful kids and watch them absolutely flourish, they wouldn't add despair to their lives and I ought to just leave. But, I know better, Firsthand. My Mom ditched out on me, big time. She didn't off herself, but she all but has offed herself from my life. And, it sucks as her (adult)child to know that me, my sister, my Dad... we weren't important enough for her to fix herself. For her to put in the honest, hard effort to get better and work toward a more positive life, we weren't enough. Why the hell not, Mom?
My kids won't say that. They'll know I've worked hard. I came from a life that most people read about in magazines or books about child neglect. I was never physically abused, my bless my sister's heart, she was. My Mom really laid into her before she left. I have vowed to not follow in their paths. And, it's been hard. H.A.R.D. and it still is. And, I'm going to keep on truckin' cause my beauties are worth it. And, while they will grow up and know their Mom has had some issues they'll also know how she never gave up on them, or herself. I'm glad to give them that.
What we see in others is usually a direct reflection of what is within us. Either that which we need to focus on to improve or which we need to focus on to grow. I've been thinking a LOT about Jon through this time, how he's so strong for me. He's so soft for me. He's so balanced. He's so well. He's so just...good. Clearly, that means there's strength, softness, balance, wellness, and well... good inside of me, too. God's just showing me a reflection of myself in him because he knows I'm having a hard time seeing it myself. Thanks to you there God for helping me out as usual. I really want to embody those parts of myself that I have before and I will again and I need to move on from trying to figure out "why" I got in this funk and just get the hell out of it. Cause, I'm wiped out. It's a lot of work feeling sad, lonely, guilty, not good enough, burdensome, suicidal, hopeless, and everything else I've been experiencing lately.
Have you felt this way? Often, occasionally, rarely? Were you afraid to talk about it? Afraid of being judged? Did you feel like you drained on those closest to you? Are you so very glad you don't feel like this currently? Are you so very bummed you DO feel like this currently? Are you out there?
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Too busy to sit down, but never getting up
I've been in a funk for a while now. A pretty long while, actually. The benefit:I'm being more creative than I've ever allowed myself to be before. I'm letting myself experience the potential of failure. I'm so not good at these things by nature. I grew up a failure. Now I do my best to avoid it at all costs. But, not the past few weeks. I painted my kitchen wall yellow, as I've wanted to do for a very, very long time... Umm, I think around this time last year actually. I painted my cabinets beige, while sounding boring, they're actually very pretty now. And... I've been painting a large tree on my living room wall, which I DREW!!! Myself. :-) Whew! I also decided to ski one morning at the exact time Jon and Zane were supposed to be leaving. I've stitched up a couple of things on my sewing machine. I've been itching to re-pierce my nose now that I have no JOB to conform to anymore. Simple? yep. Plain? kinda. A big deal for my depressive behavior as of late? mmhmm.
I WANT to get back on my feet. I WANT to return to the days of Shannon. I WANT to live this life I have.
My friend, LisaD, just bought an RV. She's been WANTing to buy an RV and move into it for at least a year. And, a couple months ago, she said, "I'm gonna do it." They found one and they picked it up yesterday. They're painting this week and if all goes well, moving in this weekend. They'll be parked up the pass until about July. Until then, her husband will keep his current job and they will be saving, saving, saving. She will also be planning and creating her first retreat for her endeavor, Visionary Mom. Then, they're hitting the road. SO inspiring!!!!!!!!!!! Jon and I (like so many others) have planned to do this during a mid-retirement, in our 40s. But, now as I learn about this lifestyle and how many people around America (and other countries) are doing this, I think "Why the hell leave the kids out of this? That's not fair!" Now, I'm not going to jump and buy an RV this month, but what I am going to do is plan for it to happen earlier than my 40s. Much earlier. :-)
One of the most liberating things I've ever done is pack up clothes, books, 3 of each dish, Zane, my cats, and my 3 houseplants into my Corolla to move to CO. Food for thought.
Jon and I have a basic theme to our lives, "balance." We've talked about balance for years, since we first met. It's such a goal, a mindset, a way of life. We both want it and try to achieve it. We both sometimes find ourselves obsessing over it. I've come to the conclusion that, as it effects every form of matter, balance is never consistent. The balance found in a swinging pendulum is the swing itself. Such is life. One direction, another direction, one direction, another direction. One goal, another goal, one goal, another goal. On and on goes life. We are, after all, complex forms of matter. So, my one direction many years ago was freedom. My direction the last few years has been stability(feeling much more stagnant as of late than the swing of a pendulum.) Maybe, just MAYBE a nice way to combine the two is securing a mobile income whilst living EVERYWHERE.
It's tough being me. I think I've got too much going on sometimes. But, I sit here. With nothing going on. So busy. Never getting up. I'm going to go paint.
Namaste
I WANT to get back on my feet. I WANT to return to the days of Shannon. I WANT to live this life I have.
My friend, LisaD, just bought an RV. She's been WANTing to buy an RV and move into it for at least a year. And, a couple months ago, she said, "I'm gonna do it." They found one and they picked it up yesterday. They're painting this week and if all goes well, moving in this weekend. They'll be parked up the pass until about July. Until then, her husband will keep his current job and they will be saving, saving, saving. She will also be planning and creating her first retreat for her endeavor, Visionary Mom. Then, they're hitting the road. SO inspiring!!!!!!!!!!! Jon and I (like so many others) have planned to do this during a mid-retirement, in our 40s. But, now as I learn about this lifestyle and how many people around America (and other countries) are doing this, I think "Why the hell leave the kids out of this? That's not fair!" Now, I'm not going to jump and buy an RV this month, but what I am going to do is plan for it to happen earlier than my 40s. Much earlier. :-)
One of the most liberating things I've ever done is pack up clothes, books, 3 of each dish, Zane, my cats, and my 3 houseplants into my Corolla to move to CO. Food for thought.
Jon and I have a basic theme to our lives, "balance." We've talked about balance for years, since we first met. It's such a goal, a mindset, a way of life. We both want it and try to achieve it. We both sometimes find ourselves obsessing over it. I've come to the conclusion that, as it effects every form of matter, balance is never consistent. The balance found in a swinging pendulum is the swing itself. Such is life. One direction, another direction, one direction, another direction. One goal, another goal, one goal, another goal. On and on goes life. We are, after all, complex forms of matter. So, my one direction many years ago was freedom. My direction the last few years has been stability(feeling much more stagnant as of late than the swing of a pendulum.) Maybe, just MAYBE a nice way to combine the two is securing a mobile income whilst living EVERYWHERE.
It's tough being me. I think I've got too much going on sometimes. But, I sit here. With nothing going on. So busy. Never getting up. I'm going to go paint.
Namaste
Friday, September 11, 2009
Judgements come from all
weird couple of days. Yesterday was Stori's 1 year Dr. checkup. The nurse was different, which was a bummer. I like the other one. Even though we have differing opinions, she treats me with respect. I appreciate that. This one though... I don't know WHY breastfeeding rubs her the wrong way, but it definitely does. It was a sore spot for her. She asked me if Stori's still on formula or if she's on whole milk. I replied, "she still drinks breastmilk." She asked how much per day. I said I don't know. She asked if she drinks every 2-3 hours for 10-15 minutes per side. I half-chuckled, just from the sheer shock that a NURSE was asking if a year old child is nursing every 2-3 hours 10-15 minutes per side, but by all means kept my composure and replied, "umm, no we're kinda' past that ya know what I mean?" Her response? A VERY firm "No, I don't know what you mean." Like, staring me in the eye, very firm like. Really like I did something wrong to her... It was terrible. The asshole in me wanted to ask her if I'm the first breastfeeding mother she's ever spoken to in her professional career. But, I didn't. So, instead I opted to try to explain that Stori nurses for milk sometimes and sometimes for comfort. That some parents give pacifiers to comfort their babies and Stori prefers to comfort at the breast. So, this woman (a this point having a hard time accepting her as a medical professional and giving her the credit of nurse) says to me, and I am NOT kidding, joking, exaggerating, anything... "So she plays with it?" This time, I actually laughed. If she's seriously going to be that big of a bitch about me nursing my daughter then I figured I didn't really need to work SO hard at staying P.C. So, during and after the laugh I reply with "No, my husband plays with them. My daughter nurses at them, it's the way breastfeeding works."
Today I'm totally hung up on my lack-of-a-relationship with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. I hate it. It's engulfing me. It's a terribly long story as to how we got where we are, but I truly think that in the end it has to do with the fact that we are very different people with similarly strong personalities.
What the hell is the correlation between these two things that are on my mind, you ask? Intolerance. See, we should all probably just accept the fact that we're different. That there are options about life in modern society that are so broad and vast there's no possible way for any of us to see eye to eye on everything. And just like we all learn in elementary school, "life would be boring if we were all the same." So, it's a blessing that we are all so different. I question if maybe our bodies have progressed so far so fast that our hearts haven't been able to keep up speed. I don't mean the physical hearts that take up space in our chest cavity, but our "heart center" in our spirit, in our soul. At one time we all worked together to accomplish tasks. Women made food together, made clothing together, menstruated together, gave birth together, raised children together. Then, our men found oil. We got stuff. We separated. We became selfish. We became "self-sufficient" (which we really aren't at all, but that's what our brains think we are. What our bodies think we are.) Now, we're in this place of "independence" yet we are all yearning for closeness. Some of us only want to be close to others who are like us. Some of us intentionally seek out closeness with people who are pretty opposite of us. Some of us really don't care, we just want to reconnect with others. Period. But, deep within all of us is this NEED to feel connected. We've alienated ourselves from one another so efficiently that many feel most connected with someone without the intimacy of a personal relationship. So, we seek these relationships out on a "new" interface. We're companions with people through a computer screen. We share more of ourselves with people we've never physically met. I believe this is a kind of foreshadowing for what will be. We've got to come back together. We've got to accept community again. We will. I wonder if it will be during my lifetime. I wonder if I'll be in the lucky few. I try. Regardless though, let's get back on track...
I suppose I'm taking both of these things and the underlying issue so personally because it IS personal. Because I know I've participated in the movement. I know some of my best friends I've never hugged. With my arms anyway. "Virtual hugs" is what I call them. And I mean them. When I "give" them, I truly have the same feeling in my heart center that I do when I hug someone with my physical body. So, why am I not comfortable in person? Where in my life can I personally take the steps to make the next connection? Where can I change my own life to resemble what I want it to?
Here's my theory on question #1: We hurt each other. We've been hurt by those closest to us in our vulnerable youth. We don't want that anymore. I truly believe physical hurt affects an entire person. Their whole being. It changes their spirit. When we're hurt we decide we want to separate, at least a little bit. Every trauma added on leads to more separation. People think I'm crazy for not spanking. Especially people who know I've tried spanking. But, I think the "this hurts me more than it hurts you" thing rings a LITTLE true. I think as adults we KNOW we are doing wrong. Within our heart we know this isn't right. But, we know we want to control something and that's our instinct. MAKE IT DO WHAT WE WANT. But, that's not right. The difference between "intelligent" life and "animals" in most peoples' opinion seems to be those who are instinctive and those who have conscious choice. So, I prefer to be an intelligent being. I prefer to make a conscious choice. I prefer to accept that child rearing isn't easy. It isn't convenient. It is, however a huge privilege that we can choose what to do with. If we choose to hurt, we choose to push our children further into retreat. If we choose to GUIDE, we choose to pull them close, hug them, show them love. It may take longer for our children to comply, but the hope is that they will grow with more internally-inspired compassion, rather than acting compassionately to continue with the ideal of what they are "supposed" to do. I'm pretty sure this is why *I* am not comfortable in person. It's scary to be intimate. I've been hurt. A lot. but, I don't want to be. I'm kinda' over it. I'm over the whole deal.
My neighbor gave me some tomatoes. I look forward to giving them something yummy in return. I look forward to creating community in my life. I've given a little to another neighbor only to have her 7 year old girls tell me that breastfeeding a baby over 4 months old is gross. I'm positive that these 7 year old girls don't really contemplate parenting techniques on their own. So, I'm sure they were told this by the very person I've done favors for. I'm also sure it was personal, since I'm the only breastfeeding person in their life. In that area, I guess I can only continue to be compassionate and understand that she probably has pain in her life that I don't know of and that she's not ready to face. Same with the nurse. With my sister-in-law, however, I think I can do something more. I think I can be open with her. I think it's time for me to just be HONEST. Really honest. I guess from there, we'll just see. But it surely can't get more uncomfortable than it is already. I want it to get better. I'm drawn to her for some reason. Very drawn. And I want to take it to the next level. I want to be close with her. I want to be closer with Jon. I want to be closer with myself, too.
Self-reminder: Different is good. I can respectfully disagree. I can be vulnerable. I can make a difference.
Today I'm totally hung up on my lack-of-a-relationship with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. I hate it. It's engulfing me. It's a terribly long story as to how we got where we are, but I truly think that in the end it has to do with the fact that we are very different people with similarly strong personalities.
What the hell is the correlation between these two things that are on my mind, you ask? Intolerance. See, we should all probably just accept the fact that we're different. That there are options about life in modern society that are so broad and vast there's no possible way for any of us to see eye to eye on everything. And just like we all learn in elementary school, "life would be boring if we were all the same." So, it's a blessing that we are all so different. I question if maybe our bodies have progressed so far so fast that our hearts haven't been able to keep up speed. I don't mean the physical hearts that take up space in our chest cavity, but our "heart center" in our spirit, in our soul. At one time we all worked together to accomplish tasks. Women made food together, made clothing together, menstruated together, gave birth together, raised children together. Then, our men found oil. We got stuff. We separated. We became selfish. We became "self-sufficient" (which we really aren't at all, but that's what our brains think we are. What our bodies think we are.) Now, we're in this place of "independence" yet we are all yearning for closeness. Some of us only want to be close to others who are like us. Some of us intentionally seek out closeness with people who are pretty opposite of us. Some of us really don't care, we just want to reconnect with others. Period. But, deep within all of us is this NEED to feel connected. We've alienated ourselves from one another so efficiently that many feel most connected with someone without the intimacy of a personal relationship. So, we seek these relationships out on a "new" interface. We're companions with people through a computer screen. We share more of ourselves with people we've never physically met. I believe this is a kind of foreshadowing for what will be. We've got to come back together. We've got to accept community again. We will. I wonder if it will be during my lifetime. I wonder if I'll be in the lucky few. I try. Regardless though, let's get back on track...
I suppose I'm taking both of these things and the underlying issue so personally because it IS personal. Because I know I've participated in the movement. I know some of my best friends I've never hugged. With my arms anyway. "Virtual hugs" is what I call them. And I mean them. When I "give" them, I truly have the same feeling in my heart center that I do when I hug someone with my physical body. So, why am I not comfortable in person? Where in my life can I personally take the steps to make the next connection? Where can I change my own life to resemble what I want it to?
Here's my theory on question #1: We hurt each other. We've been hurt by those closest to us in our vulnerable youth. We don't want that anymore. I truly believe physical hurt affects an entire person. Their whole being. It changes their spirit. When we're hurt we decide we want to separate, at least a little bit. Every trauma added on leads to more separation. People think I'm crazy for not spanking. Especially people who know I've tried spanking. But, I think the "this hurts me more than it hurts you" thing rings a LITTLE true. I think as adults we KNOW we are doing wrong. Within our heart we know this isn't right. But, we know we want to control something and that's our instinct. MAKE IT DO WHAT WE WANT. But, that's not right. The difference between "intelligent" life and "animals" in most peoples' opinion seems to be those who are instinctive and those who have conscious choice. So, I prefer to be an intelligent being. I prefer to make a conscious choice. I prefer to accept that child rearing isn't easy. It isn't convenient. It is, however a huge privilege that we can choose what to do with. If we choose to hurt, we choose to push our children further into retreat. If we choose to GUIDE, we choose to pull them close, hug them, show them love. It may take longer for our children to comply, but the hope is that they will grow with more internally-inspired compassion, rather than acting compassionately to continue with the ideal of what they are "supposed" to do. I'm pretty sure this is why *I* am not comfortable in person. It's scary to be intimate. I've been hurt. A lot. but, I don't want to be. I'm kinda' over it. I'm over the whole deal.
My neighbor gave me some tomatoes. I look forward to giving them something yummy in return. I look forward to creating community in my life. I've given a little to another neighbor only to have her 7 year old girls tell me that breastfeeding a baby over 4 months old is gross. I'm positive that these 7 year old girls don't really contemplate parenting techniques on their own. So, I'm sure they were told this by the very person I've done favors for. I'm also sure it was personal, since I'm the only breastfeeding person in their life. In that area, I guess I can only continue to be compassionate and understand that she probably has pain in her life that I don't know of and that she's not ready to face. Same with the nurse. With my sister-in-law, however, I think I can do something more. I think I can be open with her. I think it's time for me to just be HONEST. Really honest. I guess from there, we'll just see. But it surely can't get more uncomfortable than it is already. I want it to get better. I'm drawn to her for some reason. Very drawn. And I want to take it to the next level. I want to be close with her. I want to be closer with Jon. I want to be closer with myself, too.
Self-reminder: Different is good. I can respectfully disagree. I can be vulnerable. I can make a difference.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thanks for the reminder...
Aimee asked me what happened to my blog...
Nothing happened to my blog. Nothing at all for over 5 months. HA! That's fitting. :-)
Now I do wish I'd have kept up on this over the past year. I'm so terrible about keeping track of life as it goes and it'd have been nice to have all of Stori's firsts in a timeline along with our life. Our fun summer and the excitement of buying our first home. But, alas, all that LIFE got in the way of a blog. So, I'll try to sneak myself on here. As for now, we're going to do what we do when we run into a once-best-friend and pick up like we never missed a beat, k? :-)
So, Wednesday is Stori's 1st (actually 2nd but since no one acknowledges the first one, I'll just keep in line with society here...) birthday. I'm excited about making her cute things. I'm excited about cake. I'm excited about friends and family coming over. I'm SO very excited that she's mine. But, I'm not excited about her growing up. Knowing full and well that I won't be having any more kiddos makes me feel barren... and I'm NOT. But, it's a psychosomatic thing, I suppose. You want what you can't have. Because in all actuality, I don't want anymore than 2 children. I'd like a LOT of babies. And, I'd like a LOT of adult children when I'm older. But, these 2 are wonderful, they're entertaining, they're fun, they're a challenge, they're everything I want in kids. So there they are. It's so bittersweet to have them growing up.
Zane started 1st grade 2 weeks ago. He's doing agreat job! His teacher is proud of their "first grade" lines they make in the morning at the door. She says they're a great, fun group of kiddos and I believe her. Zane's doing a great job with reading and I'm glad he's seeing that the summer practice was worth it. We had a few arguments because he didn't want to read, but he had to. Now he feels great that he can actually READ books during book time in class. He knows his words for the week already so he doesn't have to "practice" them in the evening. He just cut his homework time in half. I'm so proud of him. So very very proud of him. To think, his 7th (really 8th, but again...) birthday is only a few months away is beyond anything my mind can comprehend.
Ive been working really hard this week on Stori's stuff. I made her a shirt. One of these days I'll figure out how to add pictures to this blog, but it's very cute. No one makes solid black baby t-shirts, so I got a 4T black tank top at Goodwill and cut it up and sewed it together to be her size. Well, a little long, but it's great. I feel really accomplished. It's been far too long since I just sat at my sewing machine and went with it. I'm going to make her party hat to match her shirt and I'll have her wear some jeans to finish it off. I'm also painting a pretty flower/leafy/name picture thing on her wall in her room. I've been drawing on her walls all day. HAHA! I'm positive it'll look great when it's all said and done. It just takes me a while to make a drawing look right... I thin kI may come back here and post some pictures after it's finished. That and her cake. Maybe some birthday pictures.
Then I think I'll kidnap the blog for a bit and be all about me for a while. Maybe. Maybe I won't be back for 5 months. Hopefully, Aimee'll ask me again in a week or so. :-)
I'm off to make a dress for myself for Stori's party!
Nothing happened to my blog. Nothing at all for over 5 months. HA! That's fitting. :-)
Now I do wish I'd have kept up on this over the past year. I'm so terrible about keeping track of life as it goes and it'd have been nice to have all of Stori's firsts in a timeline along with our life. Our fun summer and the excitement of buying our first home. But, alas, all that LIFE got in the way of a blog. So, I'll try to sneak myself on here. As for now, we're going to do what we do when we run into a once-best-friend and pick up like we never missed a beat, k? :-)
So, Wednesday is Stori's 1st (actually 2nd but since no one acknowledges the first one, I'll just keep in line with society here...) birthday. I'm excited about making her cute things. I'm excited about cake. I'm excited about friends and family coming over. I'm SO very excited that she's mine. But, I'm not excited about her growing up. Knowing full and well that I won't be having any more kiddos makes me feel barren... and I'm NOT. But, it's a psychosomatic thing, I suppose. You want what you can't have. Because in all actuality, I don't want anymore than 2 children. I'd like a LOT of babies. And, I'd like a LOT of adult children when I'm older. But, these 2 are wonderful, they're entertaining, they're fun, they're a challenge, they're everything I want in kids. So there they are. It's so bittersweet to have them growing up.
Zane started 1st grade 2 weeks ago. He's doing agreat job! His teacher is proud of their "first grade" lines they make in the morning at the door. She says they're a great, fun group of kiddos and I believe her. Zane's doing a great job with reading and I'm glad he's seeing that the summer practice was worth it. We had a few arguments because he didn't want to read, but he had to. Now he feels great that he can actually READ books during book time in class. He knows his words for the week already so he doesn't have to "practice" them in the evening. He just cut his homework time in half. I'm so proud of him. So very very proud of him. To think, his 7th (really 8th, but again...) birthday is only a few months away is beyond anything my mind can comprehend.
Ive been working really hard this week on Stori's stuff. I made her a shirt. One of these days I'll figure out how to add pictures to this blog, but it's very cute. No one makes solid black baby t-shirts, so I got a 4T black tank top at Goodwill and cut it up and sewed it together to be her size. Well, a little long, but it's great. I feel really accomplished. It's been far too long since I just sat at my sewing machine and went with it. I'm going to make her party hat to match her shirt and I'll have her wear some jeans to finish it off. I'm also painting a pretty flower/leafy/name picture thing on her wall in her room. I've been drawing on her walls all day. HAHA! I'm positive it'll look great when it's all said and done. It just takes me a while to make a drawing look right... I thin kI may come back here and post some pictures after it's finished. That and her cake. Maybe some birthday pictures.
Then I think I'll kidnap the blog for a bit and be all about me for a while. Maybe. Maybe I won't be back for 5 months. Hopefully, Aimee'll ask me again in a week or so. :-)
I'm off to make a dress for myself for Stori's party!
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Welcome!!
I suppose this is our first entry and with no more a point than to see how this all looks on the page and what we can do with/to it. We'll be making a post every Sunday for sure and will add additional ones through the week, if we get around to it. Everyone's good for now, so we'll wait until tomorrow to get "started."
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