Very

Jon told me long ago that I'm very.  "Very."  And, I am. :-)   Most of the time, that's a good thing.  That means I'm very excited, I'm very passionate, I'm very supportive, I'm very creative, I'm very funny, I'm very witty, I'm very nurturing, I'm very understanding, I'm very all sorts of things.  Unfortunately, it also means that at time, I'm very bummed.  Still in the funk.  Still finding my way out of it.  I'm sure I will, but for the time being, it's excruciating. 

I'm half-inspired by this time to be as genuine and as honest as possible.  To show the world that depression is real and that it's hard.  But, I'm equally scared of the judgment.  If we were all a little more honest about our worst feelings, our worst thoughts, our biggest insecurities and fears, perhaps a portion of being in a depressed state wouldn't be there.  That portion that says, "I'm fucked up, no good, unhappy, and most people aren't like this."  And, while most people aren't on any given day, I think that a lot more people have experienced a real depression than admit it and talk about it.  'Cause we're all scared of being judged.  Well, damnit.  I'm depressed.  And a lot lately I've thought, "sheesh, if I could just end it all, I'd be much better off."  My kids wouldn't be better off though and I know that.  Yet at my worst I tend to believe they might be better off if Jon found someone for himself that was as healthy and happy as he is and they could raise these two beautiful kids and watch them absolutely flourish, they wouldn't add despair to their lives and I ought to just leave. But, I know better,  Firsthand.  My Mom ditched out on me, big time.  She didn't off herself, but she all but has offed herself from my life.  And, it sucks as her (adult)child to know that me, my sister, my Dad... we weren't important enough for her to fix herself.  For her to put in the honest, hard effort to get better and work toward a more positive life, we weren't enough.  Why the hell not, Mom? 

My kids won't say that.  They'll know I've worked hard.  I came from a life that most people read about in magazines or books about child neglect.  I was never physically abused, my bless my sister's heart, she was.  My Mom really laid into her before she left.  I have vowed to not follow in their paths.  And, it's been hard. H.A.R.D.  and it still is.  And, I'm going to keep on truckin' cause my beauties are worth it.  And, while they will grow up and know their Mom has had some issues they'll also know how she never gave up on them, or herself.  I'm glad to give them that.

What we see in others is usually a direct reflection of what is within us.  Either that which we need to focus on to improve or which we need to focus on to grow.  I've been thinking a LOT about Jon through this time, how he's so strong for me.  He's so soft for me.  He's so balanced.  He's so well.  He's so just...good.  Clearly, that means there's strength, softness, balance, wellness, and well... good inside of me, too.  God's just showing me a reflection of myself in him because he knows I'm having a hard time seeing it myself.  Thanks to you there God for helping me out as usual.  I really want to embody those parts of myself that I have before and I will again and I need to move on from trying to figure out "why" I got in this funk and just get the hell out of it.  Cause, I'm wiped out.  It's a lot of work feeling sad, lonely, guilty, not good enough, burdensome, suicidal, hopeless, and everything else I've been experiencing lately.

Have you felt this way?  Often, occasionally, rarely?  Were you afraid to talk about it?  Afraid of being judged?  Did you feel like you drained on those closest to you?  Are you so very glad you don't feel like this currently?  Are you so very bummed you DO feel like this currently?  Are you out there?