Last week I made a crummy box. I invented it, :-). It's an old flower pot-esque thing that I strung with ribbons to hang from my spice shelf in my kitchen. Purpose: When anyone here is feeling crummy for whatever reason, write down what you're feeling crummy about, what feeling you're "giving away" and put the paper in the crummy box. When box is full, we'll shred the papers and put 'em in our compost box. Goal: turn crummy feelings into something positive by giving them away. It's been helpful for me, although not needed as much over the last week or so, which is GREAT!
I also have been working very hard on my tree. As I do more painting on it, I like it less and less. I almost think the chalk drawing was cooler, but we'll see what the finished product is like. Regardless, it's a nice zen in the evenings. I do my picking up/cleaning up, put on some music, set the lights a little low, and paint. A.W.E.S.O.M.E.
Spending more time thinking about this home school thing and putting more energy into recognizing when we are "unschooling" as it is. We do a lot of it already. No wonder he's smarter than everyone in his class. I'm so nervous of it, though. I LOVE being home with my kiddos, LOVE LOVE LOVE it! But, I have to admit I'm nervous of saying, "okay, I won't work for a certain amount of years, because I'll be home/un schooling my kids." That's a LOT of me to give away. I like the idea of working in the future again. Of going somewhere and being "productive" and bringing home some cash. But, when I just put it that way, I don't really have any feelings tied to it, as they didn't arise. So, maybe it's just the fear that I'll miss it later on. I suppose if/when that time comes along I can work something out. Still preparing for our dive into it this summer...
I've been feeling so so much better lately and that's just great. I took a bold leap and erased all my household chores from my daily calendar. I then put in my reminders to do what is GOOD for me, 4 times per week. Sat, Mon, Wed, Thu I do my chakra(really!! the spell check on this doesn't recognize chakra!!! crazy...) opening meditation, cutting of negative cords, and finally my gratitude/intention setting. The deal is, I usually attend my local intenders circle on Sunday evenings, so more often than not I'll be doing these things 5 times per week. Excellent! It has really helped. I've not had any panic attacks since I started and I've been generally less moody. Whew! Again, a large thanks goes to Michelle Hill for reminding me what I needed to do and a pat on the back goes to myself for deciding those things are more important for me to focus on that chores. Messy house, Happy Mom > Clean house, Neurotic Mom!
We're replacing our windows, since they're almost as old as my Dad. It's frightening to sign over $3000 at one time, but it's so good, too. I look forward to feeling better about our energy use next winter! Also, they're made locally (woohoo!) and we, of course, went with a local contractor for (we're assuming) a few hundred dollars more than one of the big companies. But, we feel really good about this as we chose a father/son operation and the son is now in charge cause Daddy's 7/8 retired. They've been doing it for 20-something years and that's a part of America I support. Real people, doing real work. Amen! I can't change NAFTA, but I can control who I do business with. Small steps...
Jon got the promotion!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So happy for him and so proud of him. He's such a great leader, teacher, speaker, manager... He'll do such a wonderful job. He starts on Tuesday. His new shift pretty much stinks, but so did this one, so... It's fair. I decided to not have the family take the raise. Jon gets the raise. He's been wanting to build a computer for a while, but it's an expensive endeavor. So, he gets 100% of his raise all to himself and after 7-8 months or so he will have the funds to build his computer. At that point, I'm hoping to hijack that raise and start saving for our RV. xx fingers crossed! Regardless, he's been pushing for this promotion for nearly 2 years and I really feel I can't state enough how happy I am for him. His managers had pretty well no "opportunities" to share with him about his interview and told him that when people are having a hard time interviewing in the future, they'll be sending them to him for mentoring. It was a fun and happy moment of promotion. He was so nice to me and called me on his cell and put it on speaker in his pocket for the "decision meeting" and I put mine on mute, so I wouldn't be heard. I appreciated I got to experience it with him and was thrilled when his supervisor said, "Congratulations... if you want it" I yelled, jumped, laughed, and got a little teary. What can I say, I'm an emotional woman...
Big week it has been. I've been very happy. Grateful to God for that and for all things I am pointed to to help me out in my times of turmoil. Giving up sugar for now and leaning on God for that as well. But, I'll elaborate on that next time.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
On the mend??
Sometimes it takes a while to really dig out of a rut. The other night, after I posted though, I emailed a friend who I wish I was better friends with, actually. I told her I'm having a hard time. A REALLY hard time. She's good with that kind of stuff. She knows the right thing to say and when to say it and since she thinks on the same energetic wavelength as I do, it hits the spot like a glass of ice water on July8th. :-) That night, I followed her little bit of direction, I focused on opening my chakras since clearly my heart was totally blocked, I did some of my workbook that I just got that day, and I went to bed. I've been practicing my work from the book, have remembered to cut cords (thanks Michelle, for the reminder!) a few days this week, and have focused on my chakras twice. All in all, I'm much better. Oh, I also deleted all my household chores that took up my calendar on my phone and have plans (okay, a good idea that I haven't gotten to yet) to put in reminders to do these things for myself a few times a week.
So...
Today, Jon had a super awesome interview at work. He's been trying to get this senior position at work for over a year and he's a GREAT rep. One of the top in the center. But, it seems each and every time an opening came up he never got to the interview due to some random point somewhere that kept him out of the running. Because there are so many people there, they have to narrow things down, obviously. So, the initial part of it all is applying, which gathers all sorts of numerical, computer-generated data about each applicant's performance. Any number of combinations of numbers gets you in the running and it seems as though every time something would change as far as rankings and the point system. All this time... And, he got it! He called me later in the day and told me his supervisor talked to the people in the interview (managers, supervisors, HR, etc, it's a BIG interview) and they told her he absolutely BLEW the competition OUT OF THE WATER! Which, I can't say I'm surprised. He's that kind of guy. Blows me out of the water, too. But, I digress... The last interview they have is Friday morning and so long as that person doesn't come in and impress them even more, it's pretty sealed that it's Jon's. I am SO.HAPPY.FOR.HIM! Jon's an achiever kind of guy. But, not in an arrogant or aggressive way. He's just so GOOD that he, I don't know... rubs off on people. I love it when good things happen to him. He deserves them all. I admire my husband, and I'm blessed to be able to say that.
I swept upstairs. That's my achievement, hahahaha! I also have made a kitchen apron this week, complete with removable, washable hand wipe areas. I'm pretty proud of that. I painted a few hours this week, on my big tree. I spent time at the library with Stori and a friend of ours. I picke dout a Star Wars book for Zane. I've sung a LOT. I've done my laundry. I've stayed mellow when things weren't going my way. I've taken care of myself as well as my family. I feel really good about that. Oh, and... yeah. I haven't cried since last week. EXCELLENT!
I'm big on prayer. Between my sailor mouth, my unwed child, history, and lack of Jesus I think it's easy for people to think I'm not hmm... umm... spiritual or religious or something. I LOVE myself some God. For real! Always have. Stems from childhood. I wasn't "raised" in church at all. In fact, I sought it out via friends because my family didn't participate and I wanted to. I think that was good for me. It gave me a place where I felt I actually mattered, as opposed to at home. I felt like people cared whether or not I was there. And, for the first time, a "cool" boy liked me, and it was at church! :-) Now, obviously, I've moved on from that and I find the whole Jesus/religion/rules thing to be silly and while I see the symbolism in it all and I see a purpose for it to reach out to "non-thinkers" I just... well... I'm a thinker. A BIG thinker. So, the lack of intellect and intuition with it all turns me off. But, I still live by the way of God, in my own interpretation. So, I pray. A lot. I pray when I'm grateful and I'm very specific about what I'm grateful for. Sometimes it's things I appreciate, sometimes it's feelings I appreciate, sometimes it's people and their influence I appreciate, sometimes it's that when I go outside I'm surrounded by the most amazing artwork ever (this list could go on and on.) So, tonight I'll finish with a "Thank you" for my feeling better, for giving me people to reach out to, for presenting this position to Jon at the right time, for him and us, for all things!!
So...
Today, Jon had a super awesome interview at work. He's been trying to get this senior position at work for over a year and he's a GREAT rep. One of the top in the center. But, it seems each and every time an opening came up he never got to the interview due to some random point somewhere that kept him out of the running. Because there are so many people there, they have to narrow things down, obviously. So, the initial part of it all is applying, which gathers all sorts of numerical, computer-generated data about each applicant's performance. Any number of combinations of numbers gets you in the running and it seems as though every time something would change as far as rankings and the point system. All this time... And, he got it! He called me later in the day and told me his supervisor talked to the people in the interview (managers, supervisors, HR, etc, it's a BIG interview) and they told her he absolutely BLEW the competition OUT OF THE WATER! Which, I can't say I'm surprised. He's that kind of guy. Blows me out of the water, too. But, I digress... The last interview they have is Friday morning and so long as that person doesn't come in and impress them even more, it's pretty sealed that it's Jon's. I am SO.HAPPY.FOR.HIM! Jon's an achiever kind of guy. But, not in an arrogant or aggressive way. He's just so GOOD that he, I don't know... rubs off on people. I love it when good things happen to him. He deserves them all. I admire my husband, and I'm blessed to be able to say that.
I swept upstairs. That's my achievement, hahahaha! I also have made a kitchen apron this week, complete with removable, washable hand wipe areas. I'm pretty proud of that. I painted a few hours this week, on my big tree. I spent time at the library with Stori and a friend of ours. I picke dout a Star Wars book for Zane. I've sung a LOT. I've done my laundry. I've stayed mellow when things weren't going my way. I've taken care of myself as well as my family. I feel really good about that. Oh, and... yeah. I haven't cried since last week. EXCELLENT!
I'm big on prayer. Between my sailor mouth, my unwed child, history, and lack of Jesus I think it's easy for people to think I'm not hmm... umm... spiritual or religious or something. I LOVE myself some God. For real! Always have. Stems from childhood. I wasn't "raised" in church at all. In fact, I sought it out via friends because my family didn't participate and I wanted to. I think that was good for me. It gave me a place where I felt I actually mattered, as opposed to at home. I felt like people cared whether or not I was there. And, for the first time, a "cool" boy liked me, and it was at church! :-) Now, obviously, I've moved on from that and I find the whole Jesus/religion/rules thing to be silly and while I see the symbolism in it all and I see a purpose for it to reach out to "non-thinkers" I just... well... I'm a thinker. A BIG thinker. So, the lack of intellect and intuition with it all turns me off. But, I still live by the way of God, in my own interpretation. So, I pray. A lot. I pray when I'm grateful and I'm very specific about what I'm grateful for. Sometimes it's things I appreciate, sometimes it's feelings I appreciate, sometimes it's people and their influence I appreciate, sometimes it's that when I go outside I'm surrounded by the most amazing artwork ever (this list could go on and on.) So, tonight I'll finish with a "Thank you" for my feeling better, for giving me people to reach out to, for presenting this position to Jon at the right time, for him and us, for all things!!
Friday, March 5, 2010
Very
Jon told me long ago that I'm very. "Very." And, I am. :-) Most of the time, that's a good thing. That means I'm very excited, I'm very passionate, I'm very supportive, I'm very creative, I'm very funny, I'm very witty, I'm very nurturing, I'm very understanding, I'm very all sorts of things. Unfortunately, it also means that at time, I'm very bummed. Still in the funk. Still finding my way out of it. I'm sure I will, but for the time being, it's excruciating.
I'm half-inspired by this time to be as genuine and as honest as possible. To show the world that depression is real and that it's hard. But, I'm equally scared of the judgment. If we were all a little more honest about our worst feelings, our worst thoughts, our biggest insecurities and fears, perhaps a portion of being in a depressed state wouldn't be there. That portion that says, "I'm fucked up, no good, unhappy, and most people aren't like this." And, while most people aren't on any given day, I think that a lot more people have experienced a real depression than admit it and talk about it. 'Cause we're all scared of being judged. Well, damnit. I'm depressed. And a lot lately I've thought, "sheesh, if I could just end it all, I'd be much better off." My kids wouldn't be better off though and I know that. Yet at my worst I tend to believe they might be better off if Jon found someone for himself that was as healthy and happy as he is and they could raise these two beautiful kids and watch them absolutely flourish, they wouldn't add despair to their lives and I ought to just leave. But, I know better, Firsthand. My Mom ditched out on me, big time. She didn't off herself, but she all but has offed herself from my life. And, it sucks as her (adult)child to know that me, my sister, my Dad... we weren't important enough for her to fix herself. For her to put in the honest, hard effort to get better and work toward a more positive life, we weren't enough. Why the hell not, Mom?
My kids won't say that. They'll know I've worked hard. I came from a life that most people read about in magazines or books about child neglect. I was never physically abused, my bless my sister's heart, she was. My Mom really laid into her before she left. I have vowed to not follow in their paths. And, it's been hard. H.A.R.D. and it still is. And, I'm going to keep on truckin' cause my beauties are worth it. And, while they will grow up and know their Mom has had some issues they'll also know how she never gave up on them, or herself. I'm glad to give them that.
What we see in others is usually a direct reflection of what is within us. Either that which we need to focus on to improve or which we need to focus on to grow. I've been thinking a LOT about Jon through this time, how he's so strong for me. He's so soft for me. He's so balanced. He's so well. He's so just...good. Clearly, that means there's strength, softness, balance, wellness, and well... good inside of me, too. God's just showing me a reflection of myself in him because he knows I'm having a hard time seeing it myself. Thanks to you there God for helping me out as usual. I really want to embody those parts of myself that I have before and I will again and I need to move on from trying to figure out "why" I got in this funk and just get the hell out of it. Cause, I'm wiped out. It's a lot of work feeling sad, lonely, guilty, not good enough, burdensome, suicidal, hopeless, and everything else I've been experiencing lately.
Have you felt this way? Often, occasionally, rarely? Were you afraid to talk about it? Afraid of being judged? Did you feel like you drained on those closest to you? Are you so very glad you don't feel like this currently? Are you so very bummed you DO feel like this currently? Are you out there?
I'm half-inspired by this time to be as genuine and as honest as possible. To show the world that depression is real and that it's hard. But, I'm equally scared of the judgment. If we were all a little more honest about our worst feelings, our worst thoughts, our biggest insecurities and fears, perhaps a portion of being in a depressed state wouldn't be there. That portion that says, "I'm fucked up, no good, unhappy, and most people aren't like this." And, while most people aren't on any given day, I think that a lot more people have experienced a real depression than admit it and talk about it. 'Cause we're all scared of being judged. Well, damnit. I'm depressed. And a lot lately I've thought, "sheesh, if I could just end it all, I'd be much better off." My kids wouldn't be better off though and I know that. Yet at my worst I tend to believe they might be better off if Jon found someone for himself that was as healthy and happy as he is and they could raise these two beautiful kids and watch them absolutely flourish, they wouldn't add despair to their lives and I ought to just leave. But, I know better, Firsthand. My Mom ditched out on me, big time. She didn't off herself, but she all but has offed herself from my life. And, it sucks as her (adult)child to know that me, my sister, my Dad... we weren't important enough for her to fix herself. For her to put in the honest, hard effort to get better and work toward a more positive life, we weren't enough. Why the hell not, Mom?
My kids won't say that. They'll know I've worked hard. I came from a life that most people read about in magazines or books about child neglect. I was never physically abused, my bless my sister's heart, she was. My Mom really laid into her before she left. I have vowed to not follow in their paths. And, it's been hard. H.A.R.D. and it still is. And, I'm going to keep on truckin' cause my beauties are worth it. And, while they will grow up and know their Mom has had some issues they'll also know how she never gave up on them, or herself. I'm glad to give them that.
What we see in others is usually a direct reflection of what is within us. Either that which we need to focus on to improve or which we need to focus on to grow. I've been thinking a LOT about Jon through this time, how he's so strong for me. He's so soft for me. He's so balanced. He's so well. He's so just...good. Clearly, that means there's strength, softness, balance, wellness, and well... good inside of me, too. God's just showing me a reflection of myself in him because he knows I'm having a hard time seeing it myself. Thanks to you there God for helping me out as usual. I really want to embody those parts of myself that I have before and I will again and I need to move on from trying to figure out "why" I got in this funk and just get the hell out of it. Cause, I'm wiped out. It's a lot of work feeling sad, lonely, guilty, not good enough, burdensome, suicidal, hopeless, and everything else I've been experiencing lately.
Have you felt this way? Often, occasionally, rarely? Were you afraid to talk about it? Afraid of being judged? Did you feel like you drained on those closest to you? Are you so very glad you don't feel like this currently? Are you so very bummed you DO feel like this currently? Are you out there?
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